Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Clean up for the self-important. Posted by Hello

Self-Important 2 - Be afraid, be very afraid.

What Pete wrote about drivers in the Dallas area is absolutely true. That is not an exaggeration. I have seen people driving and have been on highways all over the world. With the exception of the Swiss on the autobahn in Germany, I've never seen a larger amount of people driving so badly anywhere else.

The trouble is, most area drivers don't just drive too fast, that would be way too sensible. They also hold the record for the most incredibly stupid stunts imaginable. Swerving in and out of the lanes, totally ignoring weather conditions, tailgating, driving in inappropriate or even closed lanes, or deciding to turn off at the very last possible instant available that won't wind the bozo up in a meat wagon.

In many cases, they do actually end up in a meat wagon or at the city morgue. In the latter case, there is a company in Dallas that specializes in suicide and homicide clean up. I'm sure they would be most happy to clear away the debris. For a small fee.

Just in case you are wondering, yes it is true- there really is a suicide & homicide clean up business. Pete took a picture of the billboard advertisement which I will post when he finds it. (Thursday note: The picture was located and is now posted above this article.)

If people would just slow don't a bit and more importantly stop driving with their heads up their asses, we wouldn't have the huge number of accidents that we normally do in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area. I have seen cars and trucks turned upside down, autos on fire, a car smashed beyond recognition, a truck that went over a bridge and landed nose first into the top of a car completely crushing the car and most likely anyone inside. Fortunately I didn't get close enough to see that.

I think that I rode a bicycle in another life since that seems much smarter and safer to me. Safer in another state or even another country- not in this area. That would be totally insane which, while some of you may think I am, in reality, I am not. And just for the record, family and close friends may comment if they choose but remember that eventually some of you will have to eat my cooking again at some point.

I frequently worry about Pete driving across town and have considered having a suped-up Hummer designed especially for him. It would be a bit more like a tank really since I'd like it built of solid stainless steel reinforced with kevlar. It would have a cattle guard on the front and I'd have him a kevlar helmet made or just get an Army surplus helmet.

Maybe I could also get some retractable armament installed as well. Like a small cannon or a grenade launcher. Even both. Where the sun roof is I could have a gunner turret window installed too. Then mount a 50 caliber machine gun and VOILA! Insta-death on wheels! You could bet nobody would be running this guy down for sure! The road warrior would have nothing on him.

Ok, maybe the armament is a bit much but it's a thought. At least I wouldn't worry so much about Pete driving across town on highways clogged with moronic drivers. He would be safe while happily blasting his way to and from work everyday. There may be a market for that kind of Hummer, I think true gaming addicts like Pete would appreciate a setup like that. Serious Sam for real! What do you think? The lines are open!

The self-important need your help

Well I thought I'd chime in with a thought I had...

I'm ordinary.

Let me explain that. You see, every time I drive to work and back I see all these other people who must be really important. You can tell it by the way they drive.

Go down I-635 (aka the Lyndon B. Johnson Freeway, or just "LBJ") any time and you'll see what I mean. It's a 60 MPH zone along there but you'll see all these people with jobs so important that they have to go faster. The trouble is there are so many of them that the road is clogged, so they tailgate the car in front or change lanes all the time, so that everyone can see how important they are.

And their jobs must be important, right? So important that they'll risk their lives to get there as quickly as they can. So important, in fact, that they'll risk your life too. It's nice to know that if I get walloped into a hospital bed, or a wheelchair, or a wooden box, that at least it was because the driver who did it was an Important Person with an Important Job. I'm just as sure that my family will see it the same way. They'll say, "We're just so happy that he was walloped into a hospital bed/wheelchair/wooden box by an Important Person on their way to do an Important Job - at least it wasn't a waste".

The thing is, how is it that so many people have such Important Jobs? It seems that more than half of the drivers on the road at that time of the day are Important People. All I can tell you about these people is that most of them probably work in downtown Dallas, because so many of them rush importantly down I-35E and leave LBJ free for mostly Ordinary People like me (there are still a few Important People zooming along LBJ; I guess they have Important Jobs around the airport)

There is another possibility, of course, and that's that a lot of those people aren't really important at all, but they like to look as if they are. To that end they drive like real Important People and hope the rest of us don't notice the difference. In other words they'll risk death ("Death: the permanent cessation of all vital functions; the end of life") for themselves or others rather than admit that they might not be Important People.

I'm sure I'm right. Because to tell you the truth, I can't think of many jobs that are so important that a sane, rational person would risk their own and other people's lives to get to it. Thinking about it, it isn't even logical: if you have an Important Job and kill yourself trying to do it, then it doesn't get done, right? Because you're dead, right?

Ergo, there can't be any such thing as a job so important that you'd risk your life to do it. If any job was that important, then there would be plans, organizations, maybe entire government departments devoted to making sure that the people doing it stay alive. That's why the President has a herd of Secret Service guys around whenever he's in public - because his job is so important.

(Note that I say the job is important, not the President. Any other time I would say both were equally important but in Dubya's case I think the Secret Service guys should be replaced by a troupe of, say, Agent Smith action figures. But I digress.)

So if there can't logically be a job that's so important it's worth dying for, that can mean only one thing. We have large numbers of people driving around who only think that they, and their jobs, are that important.

These people need our help. The rest of us - Ordinary People like you and me who accept their jobs for what they are; just a way to make the money we need to finance our lives outside the workplace - must find a way to help these poor victims of self-importance. To that end...

I'm starting a campaign to help these people. It's called People For Ordinary Rational Driving, or PFORD for short. The campaign needs your help, and more than that it needs your money. Make checks and money orders payable to PFORD. Send cash. It will all be going to a good cause.

It's important.

Sunday, June 27, 2004

Alfred Hitchcock and "The Birds".

Over the years I've often wondered how Alfred Hitchcock came up with the idea for his movie, "The Birds". Maybe he had a nightmare or maybe something else happened that gave him the idea. Personally I think he visited Texas and experienced the evil treachery of birds first hand and decided that it would make a great movie.

The treachery I am referring to are the winged demons that inhabit every available nook and cranny around North Dallas. It seems there are huge hordes of birds this year, more so than normal and besides making some of the residents very ill, they crap on absolutely everything. Nothing is sacred.

I think they fully understand and enjoy making pests of themselves. You can see them looking at each other as if to say, "Hey Carl! Watch me!" while dive bombing anyone foolish enough to wander innocently into the yard. Even Ginger the cat runs away in terror.

About a week ago, I saw him slinking along the patio after a bird. Slinking that is, until he got within viewing distance of the fifty or so birds that were all lined up on the fence watching him. The cat's ears perked up and he turned, looked at me with a distinct "Oh my god, help ME!" look, then escaped blasting past me at warp speed.

The birds also use the swimming pool as a giant birdbath and screech at us if we make any attempt to actually get into the pool. I briefly considered equipping the pool with a smallish alligator. While that thought had obvious appeal, the plan was quickly vetoed since it could make swimming a tad on the tricky side. Then there are the cars.

Sometimes the cars look as if they have custom paint jobs. You end up with solid color cars with paint splattered all over them. People pay big bucks for those kind of paint jobs. But of course what we get isn't paint. It's bird crap deliberately deposited by the tweeting, feathered cretins just to irritate me. I regularly try to squirt them with the garden hose so I know they watch me and want to get even.

Now you may be thinking that I'm being unreasonable or unfair to the birds but in reality, they only have themselves to blame. If they would just fly next door and use my neighbors pool and crap on his Lexus, I wouldn't have any problems with them at all. But they don't. They do all that at my house. This is why I think the birds have it in for me after all the hosing incidents.

I suppose I should give them a break and maybe the car (and everything else) will be crap-free sometime in the near future.

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

The Summer Solstice

Yes I have indeed made a wish. In fact, I've made several real wishes and I hope at least one or two of them come true. I also hope that everyone else's wishes come true as well as long as they are good wishes and don't cause harm to another.

Part of my Solstice will include gathering the growing abundance from my small garden. Most of the plants are in large pots, "container gardening" but it works just as well, less weeding and certainly well enough to produce enormous foot long, crisp cucumbers.

The tomato plants have begun producing loads and loads of small tomatoes. The pimento and bell pepper, yellow and zucchini squashes and cantaloupes are also covered with blooms but haven't made fruit yet. The watermelon plants have two tiny melons growing on them. They are the first melons I've grown so it's fun to see them grow a little every couple of days.

I have already had one harvest of japaleno peppers and a small batch of banana peppers as well. The bushes are already covered with blooms and small peppers again that will soon be fat and ready to pick. The strawberry plants are covered with small berries that will turn red and sweet soon. Vegetables aren't the only thing growing wild at the moment most all the flowers I've planted are in bloom.

All the extra rain this year has really given the flowers a boost since they are positively thriving. The plants get the hot sun and loads of water. The oriental lilys are gorgeous and are the size of a small plates this year. There are more than last year so I hope the new plants bloom next time.

I also have blue nile lilys that have a few small blue star shaped blossoms and tuberoses. No blooms on the tuberoses yet but there will be soon. I have sweet scented four oclocks blooming and the banana trees seem to grow a foot or more a day with the rain and heat. There are vines and ferns that have grown over the sides of large tubs and are now growing into the yard. My avocado tree is getting bigger this year. I threw the seed out last year just to see what it would do and it started growing! I seem to have a very green thumb!

Even though my garden is small, I know it will yield loads more than we can eat so there will be lots to share with other people. That is also part of my Solstice- to share with others.

It is such a lovely time of year and one of my favorites. This is the time of abundance and I hope other people realize that as well and share with those that have less. I wish you all a prosperous and wonderful summer. BB*

Sunday, June 20, 2004

Midsummer's Night

Make a wish !! Make a REAL wish.. it's midsummer eve.. mind out those donkey ears ! I always take the solstice off.. so I am going to swim tomorrow in a freshwater bathing lake then off to the seaside.
Have fun one and all xx

Saturday, June 19, 2004


So, when I was invited to join, I warned the main author of this blog that I was prone to random rants of no particular relevance.

Now I'm an operator on a great little IRC network. I get to see the good, the bad, the ugly. Recently, my job has been irritating as at 6:30AM CST, every day, for about a week, this twit from Kuwait joins on and floods our servers with bots, causes technical havoc, and evades bans.

We have another such twit over in Estonia, and three here in the US.



Germ Magnets

I seem to be a magnet for every germ known to man. At least that's how I feel at the moment. I've been taking antibiotics which seem to be doing nothing at all since my temperature keeps going up and I feel very much as if I have been hit by a train.

If any of you have a good cure or you know of the train that hit me, please let me know. I would be ever so grateful.

This post isn't my best since it is very boring and static with me rambling on about not feeling well. Such is life. I feel like being babied and pampered and spoiled rotten. Oh wait! I AM! HA!

Ok, perhaps tomorrow I will post something interesting or at least slightly humorous. Actually, I suppose I could post one of my stories. Sound good? Course it does. Ok, it's settled. I'm off to root among my literary works and post something here. Enjoy!

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Little snakes in China?

Bear in mind that Zero probably didn't understand a word you said, because he doesn't have any ears. :)

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Another day in reptileville

Well, once again I have tried to feed Zero, the Ball Python and yet again he turned up his nose to the hefty ratcicle I served him. I thawed it out and got it nice and room temperature just like you're suppose to but he was having none of it.

Then Pete came up with the idea to put the rodent in a freezer bag and place the bag in very warm water to heat up the rat. Still nothing. I honestly think Zero can tell that it isn't a fresh, as in mostly still kicking rodent.

Out of sheer frustration, I gave Zero a stern lecture about how little snakes in China would be happy to have such a lovely rat for dinner but it made no difference at all. He sat looking at the rodent much like the child who refuses to eat his spinach. ...(Ok fine Mr. No recess for you!)...

See, the real problem lies in me. I really have no desire to dispatch a live rat since we've had a couple as pets and they are very sweet and loving. So I am left with the moral dilemma of to clobber or not to clobber.

I suppose that I can get Donny's friend to come and dispatch the rodent in a very quick and semi-humane manner. When I had asked her about helping me before, she seemed far too eager to help with that particular chore which I find rather odd. I think I'll try warming his ratcicle again and see how that goes first.

I think getting a lizard would be easier since I wouldn't have to feed him or her rats. I'm open for suggestions!

My very first blog. Happy birthday bloggy!

This is my first post on my first blog. How about a nice round or applause for me? No? Well then how about a song. Lets sing to the tune or Rawhide- the old TV western. Aone and atwo and here we go...
blogging blogging blogging, keep those posts a' bloggin, keep them posts a comin'... BLOGGIN! We're on the web to wander, no need to surf and squander, we've got a place to blog away the night! BLOGIN!! There. Now wasn't that fun? Yes, yes of course it was. Now on to some really, really, really interesting stuff.

My friend Dean told me about this blogging service- that sounds rather dodgy but I'll stand by the phrase, "blogging service". Anyway, Dean who, is a wonderfully talented singer (http://www.funk.co.uk and for the streaming music http://funkbaby.com) and musician pointed out what great fun blogging could be and since his own blog looked so nice, I thought I would give it a try. Lo and behold, it IS fun! Imagine that! You simply can't imagine how life has been up to this point. Just so...so... blogless. Now I have a brighter blog-filled future with post ideas coming out of my ears. Well, not literally coming out of my ears but you get the idea. By the way, I highly recommend the streaming music on Dean's site. Excellent music! Kickin'! Follow the links people and you'll be streamin' in no time.

So I send many thanks to Dean. May his blog always be swamped. Hmmm... a swamped blog... That sounds kinda nasty doesn't it? Well I suppose it could be if you were to fall into it. Oh NO! I've fallen into a swamped blog and I can't get out!! See? Not a pretty picture is it?

That's about it for the first post on my blog. To blog or not to blog, that is the question. I think I have answered that one rather well. If anyone has any ideas for posts, feel free to send a note and let me know what floats your boat. We can talk about it on here.