Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Self-Important 2 - Be afraid, be very afraid.

What Pete wrote about drivers in the Dallas area is absolutely true. That is not an exaggeration. I have seen people driving and have been on highways all over the world. With the exception of the Swiss on the autobahn in Germany, I've never seen a larger amount of people driving so badly anywhere else.

The trouble is, most area drivers don't just drive too fast, that would be way too sensible. They also hold the record for the most incredibly stupid stunts imaginable. Swerving in and out of the lanes, totally ignoring weather conditions, tailgating, driving in inappropriate or even closed lanes, or deciding to turn off at the very last possible instant available that won't wind the bozo up in a meat wagon.

In many cases, they do actually end up in a meat wagon or at the city morgue. In the latter case, there is a company in Dallas that specializes in suicide and homicide clean up. I'm sure they would be most happy to clear away the debris. For a small fee.

Just in case you are wondering, yes it is true- there really is a suicide & homicide clean up business. Pete took a picture of the billboard advertisement which I will post when he finds it. (Thursday note: The picture was located and is now posted above this article.)

If people would just slow don't a bit and more importantly stop driving with their heads up their asses, we wouldn't have the huge number of accidents that we normally do in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area. I have seen cars and trucks turned upside down, autos on fire, a car smashed beyond recognition, a truck that went over a bridge and landed nose first into the top of a car completely crushing the car and most likely anyone inside. Fortunately I didn't get close enough to see that.

I think that I rode a bicycle in another life since that seems much smarter and safer to me. Safer in another state or even another country- not in this area. That would be totally insane which, while some of you may think I am, in reality, I am not. And just for the record, family and close friends may comment if they choose but remember that eventually some of you will have to eat my cooking again at some point.

I frequently worry about Pete driving across town and have considered having a suped-up Hummer designed especially for him. It would be a bit more like a tank really since I'd like it built of solid stainless steel reinforced with kevlar. It would have a cattle guard on the front and I'd have him a kevlar helmet made or just get an Army surplus helmet.

Maybe I could also get some retractable armament installed as well. Like a small cannon or a grenade launcher. Even both. Where the sun roof is I could have a gunner turret window installed too. Then mount a 50 caliber machine gun and VOILA! Insta-death on wheels! You could bet nobody would be running this guy down for sure! The road warrior would have nothing on him.

Ok, maybe the armament is a bit much but it's a thought. At least I wouldn't worry so much about Pete driving across town on highways clogged with moronic drivers. He would be safe while happily blasting his way to and from work everyday. There may be a market for that kind of Hummer, I think true gaming addicts like Pete would appreciate a setup like that. Serious Sam for real! What do you think? The lines are open!