Saturday, December 04, 2004

Hospital stays, nurses, kids and the salad incident

Most of you know that I've been in the hospital having a rather annoying problem with my heart fixed. The problem being that out of the clear blue, my heart had the tendency to go from a normal beat to a salsa beat in seconds. Which was a pain. Literally.

Well, not (hearty great laugh here) anymore. Thanks to (this should be said with echo and possibly a small amount of reverb. Wait.. are those the same thing?) SuperDoc and his magic microwave. Typing "microwave" just gave me a visual of him standing near a microwave impatiently tapping his foot while looking at his watch. Welp. Almost done now... That sorta thing.

Actually the procedure worked very well as far as I know. I haven't had an attack of SVT or microwaved the entire popcorn isle at the supermarket or anything else so far. I've been fine but time will tell. I do feel a lot like the bionic woman. "...We can rebuild her. We can make her stronger and better than before..." Now watch, I'll go out and jog then keel over. Ha! Jokes on me! I can see the Doctor going through the papers with the nurses,"Dammit, I told you guys to tell her about that part..."

If I had a wish, I would wish they could have microwaved me into looking a lot more like Claudia Shiffer. Just one or two little adjustments and voila! I'm a gorgeous woman dripping with great steaming loads of money. What a shock for the staff eh? Actually, I joke about the nurses but they were all great.

I'm really grateful to the hospital staff for taking such good care of me. I had a couple of really good male nurses which was nice since I've always had only women nurses to care for me. Some are good and some are adequate. But these guys were tops. They were both handsome guys too. One of them should have definitely been in an Armani shirt and jeans on the cover of a magazine and the other guy looked like he was too young to be out of his room so late. I kept refraining from asking if his mother knew he was up so late.

I will say just this one thing about looks and nothing more shall escape my fingertips on the matter. It is unfair that someone 38 years old should look like they are barely out of their 20's and certainly not old enough to have acquired a 19 year old child. Unless the child were borrowed from an older sibling or friend.

But then I don't know why anyone would want to borrow a kid especially if you've actually had any of your own. Once you do, you don't want your own let alone anyone else's. Other than Grandkids and that's because Bill Cosby was right. We do want to know our kids are going through the same things we went through with them. It's natures little payback.

Ok, ok fine. I can see the scowls so I take the "don't like your kids" bit back. For the parents who actually like their kids I apologize. But remember this is my blog and most of what I write is done so with humor included. Even if it isn't everyone's sort of humor. I love my kids and they know it. I'm just paying them back for comments over the years. Things like:

1. Dinner will be served at the sound of the smoke detector.
2. "Son, that's enough food to choke a horse." Any of your food would choke a horse.
3. Call the morgue, she's cooking.
4. Call Guinness she's cooking.
5. Flames. I see dinner is done.
6. Is that whip cream on top or fire extinguisher?

There have been many others over the years.So you see my wisecracks are just payback for some they've dished out to me. That's part of the beauty of having this blog. They never read it! Ha! As for the salad incident? Well, that's better left to another post. I wouldn't want to overwhelm my readers. Two or three people being ill are just too darn many.


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