Friday, July 09, 2004

The Fatkins Diet

These days there's no way that there is anyone left on the planet who hasn't heard of the Atkins™® Diet.

This, the latest in a long line of fad diets guaranteed to kill tens of thousands before sense prevails, tells us that carbohydrates are bad and lots and lots of protein is good and that all those namby-pamby nay-sayers - like doctors, nutritionists and hospital workers - were wrong all along.

The "diet" works this way: you eat loads of protein - meat, eggs, meat, fish, meat, and so on. This induces Ketosis, in which your body dumps water to help dispose of all that extra protein. As a result, your weight takes a nosedive. After a few weeks of this you've lost all the water you can spare, so your weight levels off.

All the same, from a dieter's perspective this is great - at last, a diet that actually delivers on the promise of immediate results! It's a miracle!

It's also a miracle from the point of view of all those food companies that sold out to the "diet", too - they're making money hand over fist from low-carb snacks, low-carb soda, low-carb beer... even low-carb sandwiches and burgers (basically, take a sandwich, ditch the bread and dump what's left on a plate. Voila. If you think I'm kidding, check your nearest Arby's restaurant).

This means that lots of people are making big money from this "diet" and that's good for the economy - and in the US at least, the economy is everything. If something is good for the economy, it's good for everyone. And if a few thousand people end up suffering from diabetes, high blood pressure, heart problems, high cholesterol, death and so on, that's okay so long as the fat cats are getting their slice of the low-carb pie.

Well, I think it's time for the sensible alternative to the Atkin$ Di€t™®. I bring you...

The Fatkins Diet

Like all good diets, the Fatkins Diet is a combination of diet and exercise. So:


If we're going to cut out carbs then we'd better go the whole hog, so to speak. So let's get rid of all the other bad things: protein can go, for one thing. And there's no point losing water... I mean, weight, if all you're going to do is put it back on as soon as you drink anything. With that in mind:


- Lard, with sugar on top

- 6oz glass of corn syrup


Entree: Lard

Dessert: Sugar cookies


Starter: Sugar cubes in vegetable oil

Entree: Lard

Dessert: Brown sugar, with white sugar garnish

The large amounts of fat and sugar induce a condition known as "diarrhea". Weight loss is natural and, in fact, inevitable and unstoppable. (These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, which is probably a good thing.)

From this you can see why the Fatkins Diet is also known as "the Lard-ass Diet".


I've found that the best thing is to run as fast as you can, for as long as you can. Whenever I do that I keep going, past the so-called "pain barrier", until I'm shaking, all my muscles ache like hell and I'm short of breath. It feels terrible, but once the heart palpitations have stopped I always tell myself that pushing myself that ten yards is doing me good.

In summary

So there you have it - the Fatkins Diet in a nutshell. I'll soon be expanding this basic diet sheet into a full-blown marketing campaign, so watch out for Fatkins books, Fatkins lard-bars and Fatkins vegetable-oil sodas in the shops soon. Also, watch for the forthcoming new McDonalds® GreaseBomb with Cheese and No Bread™, which should be hitting restaurants (splat!) soon.

In the meantime, you'll find me in the bank.


  • HAHAHA Oooh I think I've found a kindred spirit! The Atkins diet irks me as well -- the Fatkins diet had me on the floor. Lard and corn syrup -- breakfast of champions!

    I'll just go ahead and continue to eat my evil Raisin Bran, methinks. ;-)

    By Blogger Anonymous, at 4:34 PM  

  • I'm glad you liked the post. My husband wrote that with all the totally rediculous attention to the Atkins diet etc, we both think that a lot of people just don't think before they start diets that are so potentially dangerous. Maybe we can start a Fatkins page. LOL...

    By Blogger Kate Ford, at 4:57 PM  

  • A postscript: A great big new intersection is being built where I-635 meets I-75. Driving south down I-75 this morning I saw that on the end of what appears to be a concrete road section waiting to be positioned, someone has used black spray paint to write the message "Atkins = Colon Cancer. Bye, Dad".

    Before you say it, I know this proves nothing. But for me it just reinforces what I said before: The Atkins Diet is dangerous and potentially lethal.

    By Blogger Pete Ford, at 10:05 AM  

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