Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Air France

The following is something I wrote shortly after a flight to Paris on Air France. Even with all this silliness, I actually enjoyed the flight. The service was exceptional and the food was pretty good considering that it was airline stuff. Plus they let you get really drunk and act like a complete ass.

Well folks, it's vacation time! This normally means an exciting trip with possibly a plane ride to another state or country. This is the beginning of most vacations where the memories will last a lifetime. And so it began for me, heading to Germany via France.

For the first few hours I was so excited that nothing could have swayed me. But after more hours sitting in a seat with my back screaming that it hated me and would punish me for being crammed into a tiny airline seat for hours on end, I began to get a little on the cranky side and ordinary things started to seem more vivid, more important and a lot more clear.

As I tried to relax, I began to notice some things that I hope I never see, hear, or smell again. I suppose it all had something to do with the length of the flight (heightened awareness?) which lasted ten hours. After that long, it's the little things that you begin to notice. The following is a list that still brings vivid images to my travel-weary mind.

1. A very small drunk little old lady. This seemed odd.

2. A fluorescent pink dress with sparkling plastic things hanging off it.

3. An enormously large, angry looking guy with one continuous eyebrow that repeatedly paced the isle. I was happy that it wasn't me waiting for his flight to arrive.

4. The steward with bright blue eye makeup. It did not suit him.

5. An elderly woman "freshening up" by changing shirts in her seat.

6. French disco music. This is what all we metal fans will listen to when we go to hell.

7. An annoying instructional movie on how Roquefort cheese is made. How red wine is made. A) Why either is made. B) The fact that the entire country of France as we know it would be seriously altered if either ceases to be made.

8. The guy next to me that did not understand the concept of deodorant.

9. The blond woman from Düsseldorf that kept smiling and winking at me.

10. The acidic holes made from coffee being spilled in the floor.

11. Different emergency instructions for first class passengers.

12. The steward's comforting smile when asked about the different emergency instructions.

After my flight, I thought about everything in depth and my one major question for the airline would be:

How much toilet paper can you actually stuff into a plane's toilet without sucking out the entire side of the plane?

Myself as well as this flight are proof that you shouldn't take things too seriously. As flights go this one wasn't really a bad flight, just a little strange. Then again, maybe it was just me.


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